The Pun Appeal
I beg to report that the response to my appeal for some puns to enliven the reading of the Harrow Post
was shattering in it's impact. It hit me with the megaton force of a feather of a hummingbirds wing landing on a blancmange swamp.
Nowt. Nix. Nuffin. Sweet FA. Sod All.
Should have known better. I've tried it all before with quizzes, competitions, offers of prizes of premium bonds and free beer. All with docket left endorsements. No answer. I've known winkles with a keener sense of willingness to participate than you lot, although they've had to be stabbed through the bonce with a pin first.
But I won't give up. I'll be stapped if I will. I'm gonna keep on trying until one of you zombies sends me a letter to the Editor and I'll be able to retire gracefully, my mission in life fulfilled, Folk will point me out in the street and says "Thats Ed, The Ed. Got a letter to the Ed. Sent him straight off his 'ed."
Anyway here's my contribution to the appeal.
The old Manor House was haunted by ghosts. Two clanked around dragging heavy balls and chains and the third floated about in a white sheet, wailing and moaning.
The first two convened a union meeting requesting that the workload be equally divided and all should take a turn at wearing the white sheet.
This was agreed upon and a new rota set up.
He increased use of the white sheet by unaccustomed wearers quickly wore it out and a requisition for a replacement was sent to the Phantom Supplies Division.
The storekeeper in charge, reading the application, muttered
"This always happens. Too many spooks spoil the cloth"
Here's a Fishy Story
A whale was swimming in the ocean when he met a giant squid
"Morning Squid" said he "How's things with you?"
"Not so good" said the squid "Matter of fact, I feel right rough. I'm on my way to see the doctor, but frankly, I don't think I'll make it, I feel that bad"
"Well that's no problem" said the whale "Just hop on my back and I'll give you a lift"
"Great" said the squid, and got on his back, wrapped his long tentacles round the whale and off they went.
They hadn't gone far when they were accosted by an enormous shark.
"Ah, just the job" said the shark "I've been looking all over for you"
"Alright, alright" said the whale "No need for any aggro. I know why you've been looking. Here you are. Here's the sick squid I owe you."
Tales of the Jungle
There was great rejoicing in the jungle. Mr and Mrs Gorilla had been blessed with a baby and a big feast was planned.
Everybody was invited and all turned up with a present for the baby. As they all paraded in front of the parents with their gifts Mr Gorilla was so proud of his baby son that he took him from Mrs Gorilla's arms and walked him round the guests holding him up by his arms.
"Why does he walk all stiff legged" asked Mr Chimp, who was a mite jealous of all the attention being given to the Gorillas.
"Well he's only a week old" said Mr Gorilla who was well aware of Mr Chimp's envy.
"Don't expect him to be sure of his footing yet, do you?"
"Fair enough" said Chimp, "tell you what though, he ain't ever going to walk any different. Have another shufti at him. He ain't got any knees"
It was true! The baby had no knees. Consternation raged and a great discussion followed, with the decision that Mr Gorilla should take him to the witch doctor and ask him to cast a spell to cure his affliction.
"Arf a jiff" said the Elephant "No good going empty handed. You'll have to pay him a fee. He's only in it for the money and won't cast a spell for nothing. Tell you what, we'll have a whip round and see if we get enough to pay him".
So they went round with the hat but everyone was skint. All they got was a penning off a jackdaw who'd nicked it off a window ledge.
It was a case of do or die so off went Gorilla to the witch doctors hut, but with faint hopes he'd get any joy from him.
He knocked at the door which was opened by the witch doctor, who wasn't at all pleased to see Gorilla standing there and snarled "What the hell do you want? Hurry up I'm in the middle of brewing up a load of spells for delivery today and I'm up to me eyes in work."
"Sus-susorry to trouble you", quavered Gorilla, "could you pup-pup-please let me have two ape-knees for a penny?"
A Hard Days Knight
Sir Lancelot fought a hard battle all day in a raging storm. Suddenly his horse was killed and he staggered through the torrential rain, thunder and lightning to a nearby farmhouse where he asked the farmer to loan him a horse so that he could return to the battle.
"Sorry" said the farmer, "I just don't have a horse to spare. Tell you what, I've got a big St Bernard dog you could use. He's big enough to carry you."
Sir Lancelot looked at the dog, looked up at the dark and stormy sky, and said
"Gadzookz, varlet, you're not going to send a knight out on a dog like that?"
One For The Road
Heard about the two worms in a a graveyard who were making love in dead Ernest?
Punster's Corner
Have you heard of:
The customer who complained that his coffee tasted like mud? The barista assured him that is was fresh-ground that morning.
The amusement park which displayed a sign reading "children under 12 must be accompanied by money & daddy?"
The bald man who had two wigs which were as alike as toupees?
Today
Study this paragraph and all things in it. What is vitally wrong with it? Actually, nothing in it is wrong, but you must admit that it is most unusual. Don't just zip through it quickly, but study it scrupulously. With luck you should spot what is so particular about it and all words found in it. Can you say what it is? Tax your brains and try again. Don't miss a word or a symbol. It isn't all that difficult.....
When today is yesterday, tomorrow will be as
near to Sunday as today when yesterday
was tomorrow.
What day is it?
The Extra Dollar!
A man had $50 in the bank.
He drew out $20, leaving $30
He drew out $15, leaving $15
He drew out $9, leaving $6
He drew out $6, leaving $0
Total $50 Total $51
Where did the extra dollar come from in the second column?
Graffiti
A neat bit of graffiti seen on a wall at Harrow Technical College:
THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH
and in tiny print underneath - that is, if you don't mind
Not My Day
I loved the story of the bloke who held up a shop-keeper with a toy gun the other day. He was most surprised when the shopman leaped the counter and done him.
Why? He'd forgotten to take the cork out of the nozzle which was still attached with a bit of string. Well, we all make cock ups, and I'm inclined to sympathise.
Stop Press
MAN BITES DOG!
We have had news, via the grapevine, of another attack on one of our postmen by man's best friend, the perambulating flea-bag, the dog. I fail to understand why attacks on the person of a postman are always treated as a humorous joke by the media whenever reported. They seem to think that we are fair game for these animals and should shrug off being bitten and the consequent nasty wounds as occupational hazard. Fido was only protecting the house, etc.
Anyway our mate, after being told by the owner that she was sure that dogs never bite unless provoked, the usual old guff that lovers of these species of the animal world always come out with as you stand there bleeding, decided to act in a humane way and treat the offender with kindness.
So when on delivery next day, as hound rushed up to repeat the dose as before, he worked him a large bar of chocolate which hound golloped down in a trice. This shows why the human being is on a plane above the creatures of the earth. We have compassion.
And, by the way, we invented ex-lax.
Fairy Tale
A mad March hare, gambolling in the forest, met a fairy who was so pretty that she filled him with desire.
"I'm going to kiss you, pretty fairy", said he, full of the madness of March
"It is forbidden" said she. "If the Queen finds out she'll turn you in to a goon"
This sobered hare who, mad as he was, had no wish to become a goon. So he leaped away into the forest.
However, thoughts of the pretty fairy overcame fears of the dreaded consequence of such heresy, so he returned to the pretty fair and said "I'm going to kiss you for sure, fairy"
Whereupon there appeared the Fairy Queen in all her majesty and spoke. "It is forbidden, March hare, and should you be so mad I will turn you into a goon"
But the madness of March was now full upon the hare, and seizing the pretty fairy with his paws did kiss her full upon the lips, saying -
"Ah well, thats life. Hare today, goon tomorrow."
Sir Lancelot fought a hard battle all day in a raging storm. Suddenly his horse was killed and he staggered through the torrential rain, thunder and lightning to a nearby farmhouse where he asked the farmer to loan him a horse so that he could return to the battle.
"Sorry" said the farmer, "I just don't have a horse to spare. Tell you what, I've got a big St Bernard dog you could use. He's big enough to carry you."
Sir Lancelot looked at the dog, looked up at the dark and stormy sky, and said
"Gadzookz, varlet, you're not going to send a knight out on a dog like that?"
One For The Road
Heard about the two worms in a a graveyard who were making love in dead Ernest?
Punster's Corner
Have you heard of:
The customer who complained that his coffee tasted like mud? The barista assured him that is was fresh-ground that morning.
The amusement park which displayed a sign reading "children under 12 must be accompanied by money & daddy?"
The bald man who had two wigs which were as alike as toupees?
Today
Study this paragraph and all things in it. What is vitally wrong with it? Actually, nothing in it is wrong, but you must admit that it is most unusual. Don't just zip through it quickly, but study it scrupulously. With luck you should spot what is so particular about it and all words found in it. Can you say what it is? Tax your brains and try again. Don't miss a word or a symbol. It isn't all that difficult.....
When today is yesterday, tomorrow will be as
near to Sunday as today when yesterday
was tomorrow.
What day is it?
The Extra Dollar!
A man had $50 in the bank.
He drew out $20, leaving $30
He drew out $15, leaving $15
He drew out $9, leaving $6
He drew out $6, leaving $0
Total $50 Total $51
Where did the extra dollar come from in the second column?
Graffiti
A neat bit of graffiti seen on a wall at Harrow Technical College:
THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH
and in tiny print underneath - that is, if you don't mind
Not My Day
I loved the story of the bloke who held up a shop-keeper with a toy gun the other day. He was most surprised when the shopman leaped the counter and done him.
Why? He'd forgotten to take the cork out of the nozzle which was still attached with a bit of string. Well, we all make cock ups, and I'm inclined to sympathise.
Stop Press
MAN BITES DOG!
We have had news, via the grapevine, of another attack on one of our postmen by man's best friend, the perambulating flea-bag, the dog. I fail to understand why attacks on the person of a postman are always treated as a humorous joke by the media whenever reported. They seem to think that we are fair game for these animals and should shrug off being bitten and the consequent nasty wounds as occupational hazard. Fido was only protecting the house, etc.
Anyway our mate, after being told by the owner that she was sure that dogs never bite unless provoked, the usual old guff that lovers of these species of the animal world always come out with as you stand there bleeding, decided to act in a humane way and treat the offender with kindness.
So when on delivery next day, as hound rushed up to repeat the dose as before, he worked him a large bar of chocolate which hound golloped down in a trice. This shows why the human being is on a plane above the creatures of the earth. We have compassion.
And, by the way, we invented ex-lax.
Fairy Tale
A mad March hare, gambolling in the forest, met a fairy who was so pretty that she filled him with desire.
"I'm going to kiss you, pretty fairy", said he, full of the madness of March
"It is forbidden" said she. "If the Queen finds out she'll turn you in to a goon"
This sobered hare who, mad as he was, had no wish to become a goon. So he leaped away into the forest.
However, thoughts of the pretty fairy overcame fears of the dreaded consequence of such heresy, so he returned to the pretty fair and said "I'm going to kiss you for sure, fairy"
Whereupon there appeared the Fairy Queen in all her majesty and spoke. "It is forbidden, March hare, and should you be so mad I will turn you into a goon"
But the madness of March was now full upon the hare, and seizing the pretty fairy with his paws did kiss her full upon the lips, saying -
"Ah well, thats life. Hare today, goon tomorrow."
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