One of the dying traditions of Merrie Old England is the art of the practical joke, April 1st appears unfailingly every year eager to fill the air with shouts of 'April Fool' and inevitably slinks unrecognised and unmourned into the dawn of April 2nd, forgotten and unfulfilled.
When I was a lad, April Fools day was vibrant with expectancy, everybody on their guard against being caught napping. At the same time ready and willing to get somebody to do something which would label him 'April Fool'.
Nobody was exempt and nothing was sacred and only one rule was rigidly kept. You had to make your catch by midday. Any ploy after that time reversed the procedure and the joker was the fool.
The necessary ingredients for the manufacture of a well built practical joke are a convincing manner to put over an outrageous suggestion to make it seem logical, and a victim who is of an impressionable nature, preferably under some sort of pressure so he is apt to act without thinking.
Schoolboys were notably uninspired in their inventiveness as indeed were most artisans.
At school the Headmaster's door continually thundered with knocks from lads sent there by other gleeful herberts.
"Hi Jonesy, the Head wants to see you right away"
And usually ended with Sir dishing out lines to every lad who fell for it. "I must not believe everything I'm told without checking it's true" one hundred times after school hours.
At work the new apprentice doing his stint as tea-boy, was inevitably sent to the bakers at tea-break for a box of pregnant tarts, or half a pound of maternity cake. Or to the stores for a left handed screwdriver or a rubber hammer.
One thing was sure, year after year young lads fell for all the time-honoured gags, however corny they may had been, but sadly the joy of fun in folk seems to have lapsed.
So I urge for a revival of the practical joke, a rebirth of April Foolery. A renaissance of the British love of Kidology. We're all getting too serious and too anxious to go for our guns.
The well constructed practical joke need not be built on April 1. Any time will do but full bonus marks will be given if successfully erected on that day.
Harrow P.O. was at one time constantly enlivened by the inventiveness of the practical joker, which had the two-way effect of cheering the work force when they heard of it and reviving their sagging morale if recalled during times of stress, such as lack of docket periods or inclement weather days.
May I recall for you the urgent phone call from a driver requesting that the A.H.P. ops be told that Wealdstone Bridge had collapsed and traffic delays were likely.
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| Wealdstone Bridge. Credit: www.instantstreetview.com |
I merely report facts by saying that an official notice was stuck on the P.H.G. counter instructing all drivers to avoid Wealdstone Bridge as it had fallen down. Which they all did until someone cottoned on that it was April 1.
There was the case of the A.I. who, answering the phone one morning, was asked by a gentlemen speaking with a pronounced Indian accent, if he would be kind enough to direct him to Pinner docks. The conversation went something like this:
A.I. "Pinner docks? You mean Pinner station?"
Caller "No, no, no, I am wanting Pinner docks where the boats come in"
A.I. "This is Harrow here. Perhaps you want Harrogate?"
Caller "No, no, I am wanting Pinner in Harrow"
A.I. "There are no docks in Harrow. Do you mean Harwich?"
Caller "I am wanting Pinner docks in Harrow. I am meeting my family from India who are coming on the boat but I am not knowing the way so please to tell me where is situated Pinner docks, please"
A.I. "Listen. There are no docks in Pinner. Its miles from the sea and you can't sail a bloody boat up Pinner bloody High Street"
Caller "There is no need for blaspheming. Please telling me where is Pinner docks and I will go"
The A.I, who was turning a deep shade of purple started to holler - "For Chrissake can't you understand.. " - when uncontrollable, hysterical laughter from the caller's end suddenly brought understanding and he tumbled and slammed down the phone receiver. What's more, being of a serious nature he failed to see the funny side of it, and remembering who could do an Indian accent, accused him of insolence towards a superior officer and disciplined him accordingly. Caller put it down to occupational hazard.
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| Pinner High Street - docks just out of shot. www.instantstreetview.com |
A classic example of practical jokery was staged one night when two gents from Region were visiting the office. The only thing that failed to gain top marks award was that it was not April 1st.
An A.I. on duty was called to the phone and asked to be connected to a responsible officer. Naturally he asked if he could hep and was told that the Region men had a very important appointment after the conclusion of their tour at Harrow and a helicopter would be landing in the yard to pick them up. It was urgent that the yard be cleared of vans and landing lights be arranged to guide the 'copter down. Caller suggested a torch in each hand waved above the head would be ideal.
The late staff of Harrow P.O. were treated to the sight of an A.I. standing in the middle of an empty yard guiding down an imaginary helicopter by waving two bike lamps in the air.
The two top brass left later, after explanations had been made, highly delighted with their evening. We're all boys at heart.
The case of the Vulcan bombers was a practical joke which just failed to make the grade. A request from Wealdstone station for a special collection to collect a consignment of Vulcan Bombers which had arrived in recorded packets nearly fooled the Organising Inspector who took the message and was on his way to lay on a driver.
Passing through the Inspectorate he startled them all by stopping short in his tracks, and saying out loud to himself - "Vulcan Bombers? Wait a minute, they're bloody great planes!" and turned smartly about and hurried back to his office. He had suddenly remembered the date. It was a near miss.
Many more have been played at Harrow, far too numerous to mention here, but sadly the art seems to have died the death. A pity as we are all the more happy for a good laugh, with the possible exception of the victim.
When a young family man I was eager to carry on these noble traditions with my family and used to set all manner of catch for them before I left for work on April 1st morning.
The kids thought it great fun but as they got older, entered in to the spirit of the game with all the carefree abandon of youth, and it got positively dangerous I considered myself lucky if I got through the day with only a flesh wound.
After nearly pitching headlong down the stairs tripping over a string that my boy had tied across the top step and narrowly escaping getting concussion when a pile of heavy books, which my daughters had balanced on top of the bedroom door, smashed on to my head as I opened it, I decided it was time to call a halt to the fun and games.
My wife said at the time that it was not fair telling them that it didn't count after noon as I'd gone to work before they got up, and they didn't have a chance of catching me unless they did it at night. So I'd better take my aspirins and shut up moaning.
Well maybe occupational hazard does get a bit too hazardous at times, but I still urge a reincarnation of April Foolery.
So you may get a fracture here and there, or your dignity could get offended but someone will get a good laugh out of it and that's what life's all about, ain't it?
Notes:
I have no clue what the Post Office acronyms used here mean: AI, PHG, AHG ops. Any ideas ?
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