Sign of the Times
In periods of high unemployment the state of the economy is often reflected in the struggle of many small shopkeepers to keep going when people haven't got the money to spend.
A most poignant remark on the adverse effect of that general trend of affairs was having on his business, was shown in the window of a shop in one of the more depressed areas of London.
In the middle of a bare window which displayed absolutely nothing at all, hung a sign which simply stated:
"Customers Wanted . No Experience Necessary"
DIY
Must tell you about the bloke who sang so off key that he couldn't get anybody to sing with him.
Went out and bought himself a duet yourself kit.
Now Here's A Funny Thing
Recently an American dealer acquired a small painting at an auction at Sothebys for a world record price of $2.5million. All dealers have their own method of bidding. Some raise their eyebrows, some make a slight movement of the fore-finger, others a barely noticeable wave of their catalogue. The American made the successful bid with nods of his head.
Which goes to show that when at an auction, even though the goods are valuable you can get something for nodding
Encore
Have you heard of the new entrant who thought that rebate was putting another worm on the hook?
Datsun Cogs
'Arry got a job as a cleaner at the Datsun Car Assembly Plant and was told to sweep up the yard around the loading bay.
He was busy sweeping when a fork lift truck, stacking crates of flywheels, dropped one which burst open, scattering its contents dangerously near him.
Going back to the foreman he asked to be given another job.
"Finished that already?" asked the gaffer "That was quick"
"No I ain't" said 'Arry "but I'm not working out there anymore. Its raining Datsun cogs"
Don't Panic
Heard a yarn from Dave Bywater about a friend of his mother's which you would like to hear.
The lady packed some salmon sandwiches late one evening for her husband to take to work next day. Having some salmon left over, she put it down for her cat, to eat for it's supper, who, as is the nature of cats, ate it up with great relish.
Next morning, fairly late-ish, she went out front to bring in the milk, and found one dead cat on the doorstep.
Immediately she thought the obvious. The salmon she had fed it had been off and had poisoned the cat. Then, horrified thought of her husbands sandwiches.
She phoned his work to warn him not to eat them, but he already had. They rushed him to hospital, where he was put under treatment for food poisoning, and kept in for observation.
Returning home, the lady was making a cuppa to calm her shattered nerves when the doorbell rang. Opening the door she was confronted by the milkman who said "I've been trying to see you but you must have gone out. I've called to see how your cat is"
"The cat" said the lady "it's dead. But how did you know about it?"
"Well I didn't know it was dead, and I'm sorry about that" said Milky "but when I delivered the milk this morning it got under my feet and tripped me up, and I dropped the crate of milk on him"!!!
Hubby's comments after being told are not available for print.
Leak Before You Loop
The young pilot was about to take his test in aerobatics. To bolster up his confidence he had imbibed a few jar of wallop and had forgotten his instructors strict order to go to the toilet before diving all over the sky.
"Keep a clear head and an empty bladder, my lad" had been his repeated advice.
All went well until he performed a figure of eight, when he felt the beer exiting and spreading over his uniform. On landing, he clambered out of the plane and stood to attention as the inspector strolled up, took one look at his sodden trousers and roared-
"If you don't want to break your bloody neck in future, you'll learn to leak before you loop"
Mind Shrinker
The psychologist made his patient comfortable on the couch and said "What I propose to do, to help you understand what is worrying you, is to show you some pictures. Immediately I show you one, I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your mind"
He held up a photo of the Taj Mahal and the patient said "frilly knickers"
He held up a photo of Buckingham Palace and the patient said "black silk stockings"
He held up a photo of Windsor Castle. The patient said "see-through nighties"
The psychologist said "The answer is fairly obvious. You're trouble is that you're a sex maniac, although you don't realise it".
The patient sat up and said "I'm a sex maniac? Looks who's talking. Who's been showing me all those dirty photos then?"
The Things We Take For Granted
We don't realise our blessings until we get something go wrong. For instance, until you get a bit of dirt in your eye you don't appreciate what a marvellous thing sight is.
I was talking to Ernie Negus, one of our one-armed lads, soon after he resumed duty from a long spell off sick recovering from his unfortunate fall when he broke his existing arm.
I said that it must have been a relief to be able to do all the things that he normally does, like handling tools etc (he's a great mechanic), and he said yes, it was, but the thing he was most happy to be able to do was being able to wipe his own backside again. Most embarrassing, he said.
True, its the little things that count.
Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention
An invaluable hint for motorists on how to get home in an emergency an be learned from PS Terry Savage when his radiator sprang a leak miles from anywhere t'other day. Stopping near a pond he ensured a continual supply of topping-up water by filling up his wellies which he happened to have aboard. Full marks for ingenuity, Terry, but a word of warning to other travelers in a like situation. Be very careful how you word your reply should a member of the fuzz stop you and ask what you've got in the boot.
Poetic Justice?
In our job there's always the bod who craftily works the mail for awkward delivery points on to the day mail officer. Like top flats, long driveways, etc etc, and the man on the double wonders how come he always gets all this stuff on his walk.
Heated words were heard the other morning between the night mail officer and the day mail officer of the walk which delivers to the Harrow Football Club, which is one of these points
Apparently DMO accused NMA of deliberately leaving this stuff for him, whereas NMO insisted that it was an agreement between the rotates that is should be worked this way.
After many uncomplimentary references to each others parentages and dire threats as to the eventual fate of either officer, NMO backed down and agreed to take any mail that turned up in time for the first delivery. Which he did the very next day and got bitten three times on the arm by the caretakers dog.
DMO was heard to remark that it was bound to happen and NMO was a stranger to the dog, but it took no notice of the DMO cos he was always bloody well going up there, wasn't he?!
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